pastor tan spoke 2 things right at my face 2dae..

the 1st one was some spiritual ascent or somethin.. it means tt the mind tinks tt it's gddd but the soul and the spirit doesn't wants 2 obey.. we would sae yes 2 it but at the end of the dae we came up wif nothin.. and he told us 2 start synchronizin these tots in mind spirit and soul.. but he didn't tell me how!! ohhh man and im supposed 2 find the solution.. well on second tots its not gddd spoonfeedin the solution.. (urggghhh.. on a teacher's pt of view spoonfeedin is like the curse of spoilin a student's character when it was carried out frequently..)

then there's the ugly side of change: where tragedy happens.. now that's the thing i hav been naggin myself wif for the past wk ain't it?? urggghhh.. it's like rotten.. i hope it'll not bother me nxt yr..

枝叶落不结
土壤迟不丰
佳处将裂崩
缓待明日晨

this was a God-inspired poem tt i wrote on sat durin thanksgivin cg.. i felt disgusted all the same when i see the whole poem tt somewhat described a catastrophe.. the eng translation is:

the leaves on the branches fall and would not grow
the soil has been infertile for ages
the good place will split apart
waitin for a new dawn to come

wat will the new yr bring?? ok perhaps i put this too far.. well it could b the fact tt God wants 2 implement changes in the new yr.. mayb if w see it in a detailed and clearer view this change could actualli benefit us rite??

tomolo shall b my final entry 4 the yr.. i cant wait.. haha..




i would call this christmas season peaceful.. usu i'll always suffer the tot of havin a "lonely christmas".. most of the time i would tink of spendin christmas jus drinkin vodka or to jus chill out wif some friendz at the void deck.. but no.. i'll jus keep my emotions down as i spend this time home preparin myself 4 a new yr..

rite now i had gotten over the tot of missin my bdae and valentine's dae and missin another impt bdae again.. (yes.. its daryl bdae i shall miss..) i jus hope tt i'll not get involved into any forms of media and conversation which they mention valentine's dae.. (or could u guys jus do me a favor nxt yr?? DUN SEND ME ANY HAPPI BDAE MSGS ON THE DAE OF MY ACTUAL BDAE..) sometimes ppl jus tell me not 2 b saddd.. or stay cheertful and encourage me and all.. but if u dun sae anythin it'll b jus my motivation 2 move on becoz i'll not tink anythin abt it or tt matters..

and i tot of gettin over one's emotions can b useful 2 help the younger ones.. nowadays ppl tok abt bein emo emo.. but bein emotional can realli waste loads of time.. i would describe bein emotional as thinkin tt the past is sweet and the future is bitter.. its also a tot of "wat would hav been??" instead of "wat could we do??".. in simple terms.. its an inability 2 let go of wat's done and look 4ward to wat's ahead..

God gave me a rhema Word at the startin of this yr.. "i press towards for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (phil 3:14) i do not noe wat it meant.. i tot its 2 fight my way thru and endure all the hardship and pain there were lyin in front of me.. but despite endurin all these hardship and pain.. i couldn't help but feel saddd abt wat was happenin and was abt 2 happen 2 me.. but later i realized the upward call of Christ Jesus is actualli of a higher callin and its bigger than the events tt were goin 2 happen as it is the hope and the vision God has given 2 me.. tt's y its backed up by phil 3:13 which saes tt 2 4get the pass and 2 press on 2 the future.. the upward call is the vision and the future paved ahead by God Himself..

perhaps im rather critical 2 myself by callin the yr crap.. i hav actualli gained somethin intangible which would empower me in my future.. therefore i changed my mind.. i tink my decision's "rashly crap"




1st of all.. merry xmas 2 one and all..

i tink this is the 1st time since i started my blogger 2 yrs ago tt i bloggg durin this festive season.. its always this time of the yr where i lay back and tink wt would hav been 4 the yr and wat could i hav done..

every yr the same report card and the same result: crap. and this yr the i felt tt the crap remains as usual..

however i was realli stunned by wat was feedback-ed 2 me.. "we appreciate ur efforts.. hope u do better nxt yr.." "i appreciate ur gestures and the little things u do.."

and i dun dare 2 look back.. coz i noe there's always somethin better in the futute tt lies ahead..

however there's yet another gloomy outlook 4 the start of 2008..

more trainings and more weekends will b burned.. esp on feb where im supposed 2 go 2 brunei 4 trainin.. my NS life has nv been so tough mentally b4.. (honestly as the daes of a trainee though the tekan and all the crap stuff its there.. but at least the instructors do not touch my weekends often..) and i'll b leavin singapore on valentine's dae for 2 wks 2 a no-man's land..

and the past wk i hav been lookin at the schedule over and over again.. thinkin tt this is a dream and i'll wake up from it.. but its true and im facin reality.. i couldn't get over it initially.. but once again im reminded 2 focus and look into my biggg picture..

i've got my buildin fund on.. and my funds ar runnin low this christmas season.. and the chi new yr holidaes nxt feb is jus b4 the brunei trip.. so i'll b able 2 save $$$ for march 4 a wonderful spree.. (who noes i'll might b able 2 go on a holidae again??) and lookin 2 a even much brighter 3-letter word.. ORD.. im so eagerly awaitin 4 the dae 2 arrive but at the same time doubtful of my own future.. i'll leave tt all in God's hands..

i foresee 2008 is a yr tt i mus endure.. 2 enudre means to build up and b prepared.. i believe im goin places this time..




im finally back 2 the civilian world and im hopefully gettin myself engaged back 2 the world..

081207

its supposed 2 b a weekend and wat am i doin here in marsiling wif my medical stores and field pack?? it realli doesn't sounds nice.. furthermore im at pasir laba 4 the last 2 daes helpin out wif some live firin thingy for the JC students.. im realli sick of the field.. the SBO and the helmet and the sun and all sorts of crazy weather this island could bring.. i jus wan 2 stay under a urban shelter.. fortunately its exactly the opp.. 4 the entire field camp im sleepin in a hole tt i digg for myself in the cluster of trees..

(note: i haven mentioned the weather yet.. jus read on..)

091207

its a sunday mornin!! and i woke up from the forest knowin tt i still hav 3 daes 2 go on.. im walkin ard like a zombie and most times i dun feel like talkin 2 anybody.. and true enuff no one realli tok 2 me..

then i tot it'll b a gdd dae since the sun's shinin gdd at 8am.. but by 10am it started 2 rain.. and it kept rainin heavily and stopped onli 4 a moment.. this momentum kept on repeatin for the nxt for the entire dae and im realli worried abt my field pack.. coz its not waterproof.. after the rain subsided 4 a while i went up and check my field pack and thank God tt nothin is wet except 4 the pack.. i quickly took it 2 a sheltered area 2 dry off.. thank God it did not rain at nite.. i hav 2 scoop up the water from tt hole tt i sleep and its super muddy all over.. im totally dirty like an animal.. and i slept there in agony..

101207

i always wonder how 2 go on in a time like this.. the weather got me down and here i am providin medical coverage 4 the trainin and im all dirty and muddy all over.. even when i treat the guys i'll stain my medical equipments and compromise wif the hygiene standards a little..

and so 2dae i observed the weather again.. it dod not rain and the sun was shinin till 10am.. i tot tt it'll b a strong sunny dae.. i was wrong at the nxt hr coz its pourin again and this time the rains ar even fiercer and stronger than the past 2 daes.. it over flooded the holes tt we digg and its impossible 2 slp in there unless u wan 2 b like a piggg 2 roll over the mud and water.. thank God our supoeriors ar kind 2 let us slp in the trainin sheds.. but i suffered quite badly and i was drenched.. im realli cold and the feelin was indescribable.. i stayed strong w/o the tot tt i feel like dyin but 2 endure 4 the final daes of the field camp..

111207

my morale realli reached so low tt im not thinkin abt anythin else.. i tot tt this field camp will last 4eva.. i dunno when i'll see the light again.. (even though i noe when the field camp ends..) my tots ar whacked.. my mind's completely dead.. and i found out tt im not the onli one depressed.. in fact everyone's depressed.. ut the whole lot of us jus shut down ourselves emotionally so tt we wouldn't feel so stress as the guys could perform well at the battle course they ar embarkin..

in the late afternoon the battle course comes 2 an end and it started pourin again where earlier in the dae the sun's smilin at us.. rumors of the battalion goin back camp earli has been spreadin from mouth 2 mouth but no one confirmed it.. in the end our CO came and gave us a thumbs up and praise us 4 our effort durin the battle course.. he officially announced tt we will go back camp 2nite and there'll b no route march back 2 camp!! the men were overjoyed.. some of us were like, "huh?? goin back already??"

121207

2dae we ar supposed 2 hav the route march back 2 camp but we were in camp cleanin all our stuff tt suffered thru the mud and water 4 the past few daes.. well as 4 me i hav 2 settle the medical stores and the platoon medics'.. nothin much except 4 cleanin and cleanin and cleanin.. our superiors remind us tt the long break is comin and somehow it serves as an encouragement and motivation 2 finish the yr strong.. so here i am.. my superiors gave us the privellege 2 stay out 4 the nite and im on my way tunin back 2 my usual self again..




so after the platoon medics i tot tt i could enjoy life and assigned them wif medical tasks and duties and live happily ever after till i ORD..

how wrong i am..

they graduated and they came and told me.. "sgt.. actualli in SMTI (SAF Medical Trainin Institute) we didn't realli noe alot.. i failed my tests.. but my instructors passed me.."

i asked them, "but u ar all passed out from there!! seriously how do u compare urself wif eddy sufian?? (eddy sufian is the guy who failed the course and returned back 2 the coy..)"

"ohh.. he's actualli better than us.. but the sgts die die wan 2 fail him.. 4 me becoz my sgts understand me.. they noe my pattern and they were confident of me.. but actualli im not verii gdd in it.."

i almost shattered.. i couldn't express this horror i had from their words.. im also veriii shocked abt their abilities and confidence in applyin their medical skills..

warrant quek, our division senior medic, told me tt there ar medics who duno how 2 open a stretcher.. to my utmost horror.. there ar already 3-4 medics in my battalion who dunno how 2 open the stretcher.. they spend quite some time figurin out how 2 b opened and yet i hav 2 teach them over again the proper way of openin a strectcher.. (well when i was a trainee i did not noe how to open up too.. but when i passed out as a medic at least i knew how to..)

and there were other medical skills tt the medics were unfamiliar wif.. wat was bein tot in SMTI seems 2 hav gone 2 a waste.. im realli disappointed and i almost broke down.. i began 2 feel verii discouraged.. wif the platoon trainin in full swing and the coy trainin round the corner.. the medics hav 2 b confident of their medical skills and not b unaware of the things tt they hav 2 do..
now wat i can do is 2 realli pray tt this comin field camp they'll b able 2 impress their superiors.. and also the subsequent wks i pray tt i can teach them watever they need 2 noe effectively tt they'll become confident platoon medics..




the platoon medics ar finally back from their trainin.. when i went 2 pick them up from nee soon.. i knew tt they had a hell of a time when i saw how their couse commander tekan them even at the verii last dae of the graduation.. nevertheless they ar now officially in the home of the medical corps and they will carry tt red cross armband 4 the rest of their NS years..

so rite now i will hav a double workload.. not onli i hav 2 manage my own medical aspects.. i would also hav 2 train and check on the platoon medics all the time.. and medics tend 2 slack verii easily becoz of the nature of their job scope.. and 4 the 1st few wks or mth i hav 2 make sure they execute their medical applications and stuff in a proper manner..

2dae i helped them settled some of their admin aspects.. subsequently they will b on their own.. however my greatest fear 4 them is the perspective they had 4 their BCS.. gazali warned me b4 tt the platoon medics will eventually hate the BCS medics becoz of the difference of the workload.. when the battalion turns operational the BCS could b doin wat they ar supposed 2 do while the platoon medics will hav outfield day in day out and were made 2 follow their coys 4 missions and exercises.. as such they will make comparisons.. and the BCS medics would not understand wat hell did the platoon medics go thru..

this conflict.. if not properly managed.. could led 2 mani screw ups in the medical ctr: discrepancies.. tidiness.. loss of impt equipment and items.. to name jus a few.. and 2dae they had already breached the med ctr regulations by goin thru the back door where they were not supposed too.. i see this incident where they seek 2 go thru the loopholes of regimentation wif their ignorance.. then i'll hav 2 resort in regimentation and punishment.. if i see deemed fit..

well i pray tt as the daes go by i'll b able 2 handle them effectively.. hopefully NOT thru stridgent measures..




yesterdae i met 1 of my men in expo.. and i was realli amazed tt he was there..

jeanine told me tt there was someone pointin at me sayin, "hey!! tt's my company medic!!" i did not believe her initially and was wonderin how come and where did the person came abt.. and soon after i realized it was jie bin.. one of the riflemen in platoon 5..

i always dream tt my company would b saved.. and i always believe in my way of speakin 2 them kindly and not regimentally.. after all.. they were civilians.. and they will resume their civilian status 2 yrs thereafter.. furthermore i dun become a christian onli when im in church.. i present myself as a living testimony wherever i go..

i look at the men everydae and they were so positive 2wards me.. though at times they make fun of me by feignin injuries but i'll jus laugh at them.. as a whole i felt tt they look up 2 me 4 my medical skills tt i hav.. which is quite amazin and its like gainin approval from the soldiers..

then at our battalion HQ there's seng.. who came to church 4 quite some time and has been tryin 2 integrate in the cg 4 abt 1 mth already.. im so happi i hav him ard.. i believe there'll b more 2 come if we keep on believin God tt more would b saved and added into our church..

and as 4 my company i hav absolute faith abt tt.. there's like so mani souls 2 b touched.. whenever trainin is tough i will b there 2 provide treatment 4 those who had the slightest injuries.. and by doin this they will hav the hope 2 continue and endure the trainin tt they had.. at times i'll jus go tehre and greet the men wif a smile.. and then sometimes they will joke ard feignin injuries.. but they'll feel better after tt..

rite now i pray tt the men will b more open towards me like sharin probs they had and so on.. i hav always tried 2 b a friend instead of a superior.. coz i believe in tt this is the effective way 2 win them over..

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